Spike Jones's Diary
by Jonquil
Summary: English singleton thirtysomethings aren't the only ones who keep records.


Spike Jones's Diary Spike Jones's Diary AUTHOR: Jonquil [serpyllum@yahoo.com][1]  
RATING: R (language)  
SPOILERS: Buffy season 5 through CHECKPOINT  
SUMMARY: English singletons aren't the only ones who keep records.  
FEEDBACK: Do I really need to ask?  
DISCLAIMER: All characters belong to large corporations, and were created by the brilliant writers for Buffy and Angel. No commercial use is intended.  
IMPROV #15: Air, chime, orange, dark   
NOTES: Syncretism is a terrible thing. 

The original material, a tattered sheaf of miscellaneous handwritten pages apparently originating in a recycle bin, was discovered in a crypt near a locus of high paranormal activity by an intrepid blonde Watcher in late 2010. These extracts first appeared in her acclaimed paper, "Vampire Habits, As Described In Contemporary First-Person Records", in the Journal of Non-Human Behavior (privately published). The titles associated with some dates were assigned by the Watcher for ease of later reference, and are not present in the original manuscript. 

Tuesday, October 19, 1999 [Harsh Light of Day]  
_Alcohol units: 12 (excellent). Shags: 2 (adequate). Fags: 57 (v. good). Victims: 1 (boring. College students bland.)_

Oh God. Shagged Harmony. Next time, duct tape essential. If could amputate head without dissolving into dust, would improve bint 1000%. Worth trying with ring of Amara? Excavations proceeding. Excavating Harmony sounding more and more attractive. Later. 

Wednesday, October 20, 1999  
_Alcohol units: 25 (good). Shags: 0 (pathetic). Victims: 2 (streets) ½ (larder). Fags: 100 (badly needed). Time in sunlight: 8 hours (lovely). Arse-kickings by Slayer: 1 (horrible) Rings of Amara: 1, then 0 (unacceptable)_

11 A.M.: Staked Harmony (v.v.v.v. good). Discovered Ring of Amara (excellent). Caused much mayhem in streets of Sunnydale in daylight. (outstanding). Had not realized how pale had grown due to artificial lighting and mirror difficulties. Contemplating self-tanner if melanin problem persists. On second thought, orange vampire comic, not terrifying. 

8 P.M.: Major battle with slayer. (v. good, up to point where Slayer kicked arse.) Was winning, damn it! Had backed Slayer into corner. Would have wrung scrawny neck any second. Got in choice words about taste in lovers. V. satisfying. Unclear why lost. Bint has Ring of Amara. Stupid, as not being vampire has no need for same and not attractive on bony Slayer fingers. Must correct situation. Meanwhile, confined to dark. Sunlight overrated. 

Tuesday, November 16, 1999 [The Initiative]  
_Alcohol units: 0 (poor) Victims: NONE (humiliating beyond belief). Reasons to obliterate Slayer: 2,578 and rising rapidly. Crippling headaches: 5, also rising rapidly._

Escaped from underground James Bond movie set. (V. unoriginal.) Set out to take revenge on Slayer for this and other grievances. Unable to locate Slayer, so terrified Slayer's redheaded friend instead. V. satisfying. Then attempted to kill (poss. Sire) Slayer's friend. Unsuccessful. Baffled. Closing in on moment of supreme happiness (take THAT, poofy sire!) when felled by excruciating pain in head. Subsequent attempts also failures. Redheaded girl succumbed to insecurity instead of terror. Chatted up redheaded insecure girl, turning on charm. Becoming poof own self. Tender (?) moment interrupted by more James Bond escapees. Fled into night. Managed to escape pursuers at chime of midnight. Will make Slayer pay for this if is last action in unlife. 

Tuesday, February 20, 2001 [I Was Made To Love You]  
_Blood units (bagged, cow) 2 (v. disgusting). Fags: 150 (note: steal, or, if desperate, buy carton.) Alcohol units: not enough. Humiliations due to Slayer: 3 (typical). Shags: 0. Reasons for hope: 0 (also typical)._

8 P.M. Tried to chat up Slayer in friendly, social, non-threatening way. Shot down in favor of bland college student who wouldn't recognize Venus Butterfly if stuffed up nose. Demonstrated indifference to Slayer-rejection by chatting up hot stupid college student. Hot stupid college student threw self through window. (V. bad.) Sick of getting beaten up if not mutual and indicative of impending shagging. 

Later: Hot stupid college student was hot stupid college student robot. Town definitely under curse. Zombies, werewolves, witches, demons completely acceptable part of everyday life. Draw line at robots. And chips. Technology out of place in world meant as domain of supernatural forces. Would complain to evil PTB if thought would pay attention. Hmm. Had rather avoid attention of evil PTB as have not been making quota lately. 

Later: Have ordered robot for self. Exactly like Slayer without annoying bits. V. v. good. Undeath looking up. 

Tuesday, April 24 2001 [Intervention]  
_Blood units (bagged, pig) 3 (no comment). Fags: many. Shags, not counting unconventional: 57 (excellent) Near-stakings (intentional) 1. Near-stakings (fatal) 0. Overall outlook: Improved._

5 P.M. Accepted delivery of Slayer-robot from pathetic geek loser. Texture not exactly right, heartbeat trifle faint, doesn't breathe air, but overall vast improvement on Paley Palm and her five sisters. 

2 A.M. Pathetic geek loser quality craftsman. Might spare life when chip removed. Slayer much hotter when properly dressed. Correction. Slayer always hot, but even hotter in (A) skin (B) female clothing. Appreciative Slayer great improvement. 

Wednesday, April 25 2001  
_Robot Slayers: 0. Ass-kickings by Goddess (nearly fatal): 1 Falls into elevator (also nearly fatal): 1 Discoveries of robot-shagging by Slayer (surprised not fatal.): 1 Trend: Appalling. _

Buffy knows. Everyone knows. Suicide sensible. Kissed by Buffy. Not robot. Not spell. Not drunk. Real kiss. No idea what to do. 

   [1]: mailto:serpyllum@yahoo.com



End file.
